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Poetry, Prose, Stories by electricelephant

Literature by Darjavine

Poetry by Seilf


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Submitted on
December 20, 2010
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Look.
I'll tell it like it was.

black.
cold.
wretched.

Static clung to the air
like ornaments on a Christmas tree
and we were graced with the odd arced lightning.

Oh, it was cold.
so cold.
I remember not seeing,
my fingers frozen off as
feeling receded from them
like waves on a beach.
how could I even be sure
they were.
still.
there?

the forgotten memory of a sunset
lay imprinted on my brain,
and its absence made the night
emptier than ever.

we waited.

we waited for the moon to rise,
for the clouds to shift,
for the e-lec-tri-ci-ty to stop
(like lost travelers stumbling
in the desert waiting for an
oasis mirage to shatter their
re-a-li-ty)

we waited, questioning our existence,
questioning this formation of
carbonnitrogengalaxy,
questioning the light that remained
unseen.
(like questioning "how in the world did
I lose that!" and it turns out you hadn't—
you'd been waving it, flailing it, even,
(incredulously) in your hand)

we waited.
and one year later,
one eternity later,
one immeasurable,
indefinable,
moment later
we lie transfixed
as we
heartsofsteel,
heartastefeel
the bang that starts it all.

And then we are nothing more than
blasted bits
     &
forsaken fossils
of ignorant bliss.
Imagine. Before our universe, before our time, living beings -- like us, perhaps. Obliterated, but for their ghosts, unable to do anything but watch. Watch our universe begin.

--
Wrote it starting out with a phrase I had stuck in my head...evolved with the theme "beginnings" in mind and then eventually grew into my entry for #theWrittenRevolution "One Year Later" contest.

feedback: does it seem contradictory? is it understandable? too abstract? do you suggest i add/cut some stuff?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-07-13
Phantoms Of Another Universe by ~Iceotter effectively employs different poetic devices to create a final product that is haunting and strangely resonant, the suggester praises. ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :) haha this is a tad late
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    No problem :happybounce:
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow. I love the way you shift through different forms throughout - and especially the
"heartsofsteel / heartastefeel" lines. That section was brilliant.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh gosh, thank you so much!
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome!!
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
:sing: Gotta Have a Heart Of Steel!
[link]
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
excellent choice in song! :)
Reply
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
Thank You!
Reply
:icondead6emo66:
Dead6Emo66 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
Congrats and interesting :3
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:icondead6emo66:
Dead6Emo66 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
Yw :3
Reply
:iconshonalikapoor:
ShonaliKapoor Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Congratulations on the DD! :hug:
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :)
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my gosh! I LOVE this! It's understandable, beautifully abstract and thought provoking. Excellent! I wouldn't change a thing. Very cool.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww gosh thank you so much!
Reply
:icondivinearia33:
divinearia33 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thats amazing!!! I think you wrote that perfectly!!!
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
stahp haha it is far from perfect, but thank you!
Reply
:icondivinearia33:
divinearia33 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
it is perfect dont doubt urself u have great talent!!!!
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you :)
Reply
:icondivinearia33:
divinearia33 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:3
Reply
:iconpostaff:
Postaff Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
It's beautiful. Congrats on the DD :D
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! 
Reply
:iconpostaff:
Postaff Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:] your welcome
Reply
:iconservantoftheknight:
ServantOfTheKnight Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
This is fantastic
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks you! :)
Reply
:iconquantumt:
QuantumT Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
I've read over this piece several times on different occasions. This is my sixth time reading it on a separate occasion, in fact. I think it is wonderful. I would not change a single aspect of this work because it would lose something of great value. It is a mistake I have personally made in my work before: taken, removed, or altered in some way and then I was never satisfied with it. Just some insight from me to you. Good job on this.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow, thank you so much! i really appreciate the advice. i know what you mean, too.
Reply
:iconlostgryphin:
LostGryphin Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks you!
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Look.
I'll tell it like it was.

black.
cold.
wretched.
----
seriously powerful words. congrats on your DD :heart:
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you so much!
Reply
:iconrayckro:
Rayckro Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
Congratulation on the Daily Deviation! :D
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconsavaliste:
Savaliste Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
Congratz YAY! A DAILY DEVIATION!! :iconbravoplz:
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
YAAYYY! thank you!
Reply
:icongreenladymonster:
GreenLadyMonster Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Traditional Artist
I wouldn't say it's too abstract; I think it's just perfect. It toes the line between narrative and surreal, and the feelings and thoughts created from the juxtaposition are strong indeed. If I was going to put a finger on it, for me the emotions conjured up were mainly loneliness and a sense of vertigo, like if you were standing on the precipice of oblivion.

Good poetry is always a great way to wake up in the morning.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is such good feedback! i really appreciate your comments, thanks yo!
Reply
:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Very powerful :)
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you!
Reply
:iconthe-inkling:
The-Inkling Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Writer
In turn easy to relate to and wonderfully abstract. It evokes all the right emotions with great skill. All in all a beautifully written piece. I don't often love poetry, but this hits that special spot between feeling and storytelling. It's a haunting image, and beautiful.

A very well deserved DD.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh my gosh, i am so flattered. thank you. i really appreciate that. 
Reply
:iconelectricelephant:
electricelephant Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013
Don't do anything to it, it's perfect exactly the way it is now.
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you!
Reply
:iconelectricelephant:
electricelephant Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013
Sure thing :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! Your piece has been featured as inspiration in #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Winter Alliance Contest article! Please :+fav: the article to bring more attention to the features and the contest. Thanks! :)
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconbeautyinreview:
beautyinreview Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is an amazing piece, with incredible images that really made me think. A really interesting concept. Definitely a fave!!
Reply
:iconiceotter:
Iceotter Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! =]
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is lovely, incredible work. I was lost in it.
Reply
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